My underwear smells like fireworks.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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