I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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