I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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