At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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