i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
