well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
