You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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