Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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