I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
