Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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