we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
