did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
