apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize