Will you blow on my dice?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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