Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
