I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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