Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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