I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
