I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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