my soul wont recognize me after tonight
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
