i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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