Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize