If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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