I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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