I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
