Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
