Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
