It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
