I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
