he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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