Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
