You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize