I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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