I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
