I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
