Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
the day after is always just damage control
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize