OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
