I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
