I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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