we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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