i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
