Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize