it was like his penis was on wheels.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
