if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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