the condom got lost in my hair
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
