God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
