What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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