So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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