So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
