I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
