I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
