dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
