Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize