The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
