not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
