chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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