Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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