im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
