doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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